30 May 2013

forget how to dream.

i tiptoe past the master bedroom where
my mother reads her magazines
i hear her call sweet dreams
but i forget how to dream.
{j. brackman/c. simon}

I usually post something on 27 May - the day I lost my mom. But I found it almost unbearable to put my thoughts down this year. Not sure why, but I spent the eve of her anniversary listening to Peter Paul + Mary and crying my eyes out. That is where I was this time around - in cryingville. I don't like being in cryingville except when the jag is over I almost feel relieved and happy to have it behind me. Cryingville hits me like a ton of bricks on any given day, any given trigger can set me on that train. 

My first thought this past Monday 27 May 2013 was that I haven't talked to my mom in 8 years. That is forever to me. I panicked a few days before mother's day this year because I realized I didn't put anything in the mail for Mom......and then I remembered. The panic was so real - I was driving in my car and boom it hit me and in a split second I was horrified that I had forgotten a gift for her and then relieved and then so overcome with sadness I couldn't breathe. It just won't ever end. I still reach for the phone to call her - when Annie does something funny or if I see something that I know she would like or just because. I read my post from last year (here) and it still rings true today. I am always looking for a sign. But nothing ever comes. Where did you go Mom?!! I like to think that she is having a grand time up there in heaven with her own parents and friends. I like to think that heaven is such a lovely place that no matter how hard she may try she is just too happy. Too happy to worry about little ol me down here on earth missing her so. Even typing these words I know I sound so pathetic. But hey, a girl needs her Mom - at any age. And these days, I need my Mom so very badly. 

So.....what do I possibly say, where do I go with all these emotions bottled up inside of me. Anybody?! Hello?!! Is this thing on?!!!  Give me a minute - I'm like the New England weather, it will change. My darling friend J knows exactly how I feel - because she too lost her Mother. She was at such a young age too and when I think of that I feel so damn selfish being sad in my own loss. We both felt sorry for ourselves on Mother's Day this year - not even able to enjoy our own children missing our gals so much. 

When I was pregnant with Annie, Mom had just died. It was a tough time for me. The last time I saw my Mom healthy and happy we had been discussing a beautiful photograph that my Dad had taken of her when she was in her 30s. A young beautiful Mom. I had remembered that the image reminded me of something out of Vogue. I really have to find that slide and have some prints made. It is a gorgeous shot of Audrey Ann staring at the camera with her right hand running through her hair on top of her head. It almost has the feeling of vaseline on the lens - it is an amazing image. I remember Mom was sitting on the couch and I was sitting on the club chair next to her chatting about this image with my camera in my lap. She reenacted that pose for me - I remember her saying, "like this Meg?!!" - and I snapped the picture. Little did I know, that would be the very last photograph I took of my Mother. It is a quick snap but I treasure it so very much. We laughed at the image. Fast forward to pregnant me......Bil and I were offered a 3D ultrasound. It was still a bit early in our pregnancy for it but we did it anyway. When we looked at the image of our darling little girl we both froze. Time stood still. There on the small piece of ultrasound paper was an image that took our breath away. We looked at each other immediately and back at the image. Our first glimpse of the life that grew inside me and what did we see........our beautiful daughter in the exact same pose as the last photo I took of my Mother. That was a direct sign from Mom.....she met our daughter in the cosmos on her way to heaven - I know it. I know she
 danced around my girl in the stars and whispered in her teeny tiny ears and Annie knew she was the messenger. What a gift. The ultimate gift. 

I search for signs from my Mom all the time. Nothing has ever come again. Today, as I was getting out of my  car, in the driveway something caught my eye - it was a rather large feather. It wasn't there before I got in the car but it was there when I got out. Mom?!! Was that from you?!!! I don't know.....I didn't get chills, I didn't get a warm feeling, could be from her - but I am doubtful these days. 

Anyway.....Mom......not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I have been crying for you a lot lately. Nothing seems to comfort me. Perhaps I am going through a slight set-back in my mourning process. But 8 years later, my heart is very raw. I don't feel connected and I miss you so very much. Please send me another sign. Please? I hope I make you proud. I hope you see Annie and know she is so very much like you. I hope you are happy and healthy. You remain the most important woman in my life and I treasure you and your memory. I love you forever. I miss you so. xoxoxoxo

PS - tomorrow my parents would have been married for 61 years. they still are in my heart.


ete ` eternal summer, i see beauty everywhere said...

Where are you Mom? on the wing of the wind. on a feather I fly....

ete ` eternal summer, i see beauty everywhere said...

call the wind...and your mother comes?

kally38 said...

Beautiful, Meg. I know she is always near, and you are never alone. xo, Ker

meg manion silliker said...

thank you Tobin + Kerry xo

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